Barbara Walden

Written in the first week of June 2024 to the Executive Team and Board of Trustees.

Hi, I am Barbara Walden.

I have been a member of this church since 2011 and in the choir since then. I’m a convert to UU. I need to say that today because I first found my UU home in the First Unitarian Society of Madison, and when I told them I was coming here, they said “oh they have a wonderful music program, you’ll have to go right into that!” and I did. And it’s been a joy, both under Mark Slegers and under DeReau Farrar. I have been active in other aspects of the church as well.

I’ve been reflecting a lot on what has just happened to me in this past week. It is going to have a huge impact on my life because this church was so important to me in the past 13 years.

There’s a saying that comes from Maya Angelou that really helps me. “When they show you what they are, believe them”. So - that’s what I’m talking about.

Alison, you’re the first time I ever talked to an actual minister in a long conversation. I remember it well because you were so kind to me and you made time for me. And even though it was inconvenient to you, we sat and had a good conversation and I left it feeling hopeful. I’m standing here today no longer hopeful. In fact I’m a dissident, how about that? My concern back then was about how we are with each other and how increasingly difficult it was to remain here in part because of the unkind environment that I found here. So many good things had disappeared from the church and the only really good loving community that I had was in the choir under DeReau.

So … Tuesday I got a call from a weeping choir friend. She said, “have you heard, they fired DeReau?”. I was in my car about to drive and I burst into tears along with her, totally astounded, absolutely blindsided, devastated. My first reaction was that they have taken a hammer and smashed my beloved community. That is what has just happened. Then I got an announcement in classic corporate speak. My beloved music director is ignominiously fired and forced to leave immediately.

I’ve worked for years in large institutions. I’ve seen this happen before to terrible people. I have not seen this happen to competent people with stellar careers and successful programs who think out of the box in ways that annoy their higher ups. When they have to go, they are allowed to leave with dignity without harm to themselves and their careers and their colleagues and friends get to say goodbye. And it never happened with nothing being communicated to those involved or without any input - meaningful input I would say - from those affected the most. The reasons we have been given for this are feeble excuses.

What is this message here? What have they shown me, as the quote from Maya Angelou would put it? They have shown me that my beloved community does not matter. My church talks of love but does not mean it.

Then, I realized that since I sing in the Radiance choir I am scheduled to show up and sing about flowers, blossoms, and poetry after all this. Ladies and gentleman, I am not your trained bear. This is not performance. This is my beloved community, this is the most profound spiritual practice of my soul and the gift of love that I humbly offer most Sundays to my larger church community. And you’ve just smashed it without a thought towards the impact on your choir or its members.

Show me what you are.

Unless this is made right, I will never sing again in this place, even though I’ve loved every minute of it.

Then at the board meeting and also online, people say, “well it is just another transition”. One person even says that he sang in the previous transition from Mark to DeReau and it will all work out okay... I too made that transition. Mark retired full of honors after a long career. I loved signing at his retirement concert. DeReau was kicked to the curb like a dog and the choir community didn’t even know what was happening. Is this truly the same? Where is your moral compass? Show me what you are.

And there’s another thing. This church has embraced the 8th principle, haven’t we? And yet your first action that I know of is to throw out a queer Black man from our church? I’ve really started thinking about what it means to be in a place that professes the 8th principle and does that. Show me what you are.

I know I’m going on and on, but these people over here tell me I’m the choir elder so I can speak it all. I have two more things. One is more general and one is very personal. The general one is, I actually get around in the musical community here, and it has already gotten out how DeReau was let go. And I also get around in communities of color. And they know about this too. This is not going to help the reputation of the First Unitarian Church of Portland in our larger community. And I’m kind of pleased to discover that I still care enough to think about that.

And here’s my last thing. I’ve had to think about what my future is here and I’m 82 years old - or I will be this summer, and I’ve been planning my memorial service.

It never occurred to me that I would have a memorial service until I came here and sang for some of my past choir members and I realized what a beautiful thing that is. So I’ve been thinking about, what music do I want for my memorial service? What hymns? I won’t be there, but it will be my final gift to my beloved community. And the hymns I’ve chosen, the songs I’ve selected, I realize they all came to me from DeReau, every one of them.

Well my husband, the atheist, never had a funeral. We buried his ashes on the mountainside in British Columbia near his sister’s home. It’s a beautiful place. I can do that again. But I’ll be very sorry not to have my memorial service with you.

Thank you.